My gosh…You know those moments when you’re in a situation which tests you so much you just don’t know whether God is teaching you or the evil one is trying to break you. That’s pretty much where I’ve just come from. But first let me recap.
I apologise for my time away. It basically parallels how my relationship with God has fluctuated. There were so many times when I was sitting at my laptop begging for inspiration which just wouldn’t come. I accepted that saying it’ll come when it comes.
In the time I’ve been away I’ve been very close to God and I’ve felt completely separated from him. I’ve learnt so much about him. I’ve had to describe why I believe in him and his ways, praying that I was speaking with Heaven’s accent. I’ve felt completely invincible as I was able to feel the swaddling cloth of his protection and the Holy Spirit glowing like the sun within me.
I’ve also felt alone and abandoned. I’ve felt like a hypocrite. I have felt like I rejected his kingdom. I felt like I knew everything and that I made myself invincible. I felt like I barely knew God and I felt as though I was embarrassed to shout Jesus’ name. I fell back into the hooks of the one sin which breaks me every time.
So I gave myself until Thursday 19 June 2014 to clean up my act and get back to where I need to me, and I must say I wish I’d done it sooner but I knew that would be the best day for me. I feel that contentment of when you’re in the Spirit and you know God is smiling at you. I had my Prodigal Son moment and now I’m back and he’s throwing a feast for me.
So that was me today, strong in Spirit, praising God, having that 24hr conversation I love to have with him when my good friend and housemate brought home her friend who says he’s bi-sexual but I sense much heterosexual masculinity in him, and her new friend, a heterosexual cross-dresser. Literally I prayed ‘Lord help me’.
I’ve never met a cross-dresser and he’s so much different from what I’d anticipated. I was apprehensive at the beginning but eventually I found myself sitting very comfortably close to him. He told me the story of his cross-dressing and I just had to remind myself of the 4 words I go by when I approach those with same-sex attractions; Respect, Compassion, Dignity, Love.
We proceeded to watch a comedian and my friend warned me before each instance of blasphemy (as comedians tend to be these days). Whenever I hear comedic blasphemy I withdraw into myself, protecting my God and my faith (as if God needs tiny me to protect him). This time I prayed. I repeated the ‘Our Father’ and ‘Glory Be’ in my head. Initially my first thought was ‘hey, you don’t need to tell them I’m Christian’. I know, I’m so embarrassed for myself. But this time I chastised myself and when she warned me again I kept quiet. I didn’t laugh, and I began to pray.
When it was just me and my new acquaintance sitting together I prayed again, because I thought it was too much of a coincidence for me to meet one of the types of people I’m most adamant to stay away from the day after I resolved to return to God. We sat there, just the two of us watching videos on YouTube and I thought to myself, ‘if someone had told me 2 years ago that I would be sitting alone, very close to a cross-dresser and feeling comfortable’ I would’ve vowed to never leave my parents’ house.
I asked the Father many things and I hope he shows me the answers. I also thought of my strong Christian friends from our little Bible study group. One would have begun on the ‘you must repent’ angle, one would have taken out her subtle Biblical books/companions and the other would have begun a well meaning discussion on…something…she’s unpredictable. The thing with me is I try to approach everyone with love which I feel is good but it may be my downfall one day. We must love unconditionally but we must also live and evangelise. Given the opportunity and the right starting point and I like talking about all the sides of God and the Bible and my beliefs, but in other situations, which unfortunately for me is most of them, I’m truly apprehensive. It’s something I pray to God about. If you have tips please make sure to share them.
So yes, here I am, different from when I left but still relatively the same. God, I believe, is still teaching me things and he has me on a path. I’m not sure where that path will take me or what his plan is but hey, isn’t that what makes it fun?
Dear Heavenly Father,
It’s good to be home. It’s so reassuring to know that you are always ready and waiting to welcome me back when I stray. Thank you for your love, and your light and especially for Jesus. Thank you for giving us a brilliant example of LOVE in human form. I pray that you shine your light upon the path I’m meant to follow and shut every door not meant for me. I put my life in your hands, for you alone are the Holy One, you alone are Lord, you alone are the Most High, and for that I am forever grateful.
In the Blessed name of Jesus Christ,
PS I just noticed God is presenting me with a lot of people I never would’ve let myself encounter before. I guess before I would’ve regarded them with negatively and yes, even hatred, but hey, it’s probably still too early to be guessing! Praying for your spiritual journey my brothers and sisters <3