Gracious Grace

I’ve been reading Judah Smith’s book ‘Jesus Is____’ as of late and I have to say, it’s brilliant. I am biased though because I have a deep appreciation for Judah’s way of preaching. God revealed him to me last year when I was going through a dark patch and he does have an aura which speaks to my heart. He’s a brilliant example of a man of God.

The book explores the various things that Jesus is, e.g. love, merciful, etc.. In a chapter of his book he discusses grace and how Jesus is grace. Grace is one of those aspects of faith which had surrounded me my whole life but until I was out of my comfort zone and the word was being tossed at me I had to investigate what this grace thing is. I suppose for each person grace has a different definition. Even for me the meaning evolves and fluctuates depending on what’s going on in my heart.

For now I’ll define grace as knowing and acknowledging that Jesus’ sacrifice for us, and his love for us, means we have been forgiven our sins eternally through his mercy. Your definition may differ from mine and that’s alright, why not share it in the comments. While I have this definition God’s grace has been blooming for me fairly regularly and sometimes I even realise it.

I was reading ‘Jesus Is____’ yesterday and I had a bit of an epiphany. Remember that sin I said I struggle with? That one sin which pops up when I least want it and I’m foolish enough to slip away from holding Jesus’ hand. I slipped again last month and looking back I felt nothing, I didn’t feel guilty, I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t feel dirty, I didn’t feel clean. I just felt average, and that terrified me. Usually I end up feeling disgusting and filthy. I feel guilty and hated and dark and like I’ve just dragged Jesus’ name through the mud.

I was so used to condemning myself and making myself feel like trash. I would pull an Adam & Eve and try hide away from God because I just wouldn’t feel worthy. I felt like he would strike me down at any moment because I was wasting his time and wasting oxygen by praying for forgiveness. I hated myself as much as I hated my sin.

Reading about grace yesterday made me realise something. Over the past few years my relationship with God has grown and improved so much. Heck, I was praying at the bus stop and I’m sure I made the people around me very uncomfortable but I didn’t care. There’s still a lot of growing room and I look forward to the years to come, but looking at the old me and how I am now my heart is glad for how far I’ve come. I’m still only an adolescent spiritually but even that is a blessing because I’m not an infant any more.

What was revealed to me was, even as a mere adolescent, God’s grace is constantly on my life and in my heart. My self-condemnation was me not believing I had grace. I was stuck in the idea that I had to force myself not to sin to make God proud. I’m not saying not trying not to sin doesn’t make God proud but I was trying out of my own power and not letting him lead me. When I sinned and I didn’t feel anything I believe that was because I knew I wasn’t condemned. I was disappointed in myself but I knew God would be with me and I didn’t need to worry about it. He doesn’t condemn me so who am I to condemn myself?

I don’t know, I guess that’s just a little testimony for me. Before I couldn’t comprehend the concept of grace or why it was there. When I was merely aware of it I believed it just meant I was forgiven and still needed to do the right thing to make God happy. Now I’m at a place where I try to give Jesus the reigns and I follow him. Sometimes I fall but he holds out his hand every time and like a child I run to grasp it.

Grace and peace, brothers and sisters.

Edge of Desire/I Will Wait

What better to bring me back but a matter of the heart!

I’ve never been that kind of girl who’s been planning her wedding since she was a child. I didn’t dream about my Prince Charming, coming in and sweeping me off my feet. I did crave the relationships born out of pure friendships. I did crave the presence of a boy who would give me his football (aka soccer) jersey to wear with pride. I craved having someone to tell all my problems to who wasn’t my mother or my brothers or my father or my dogs.

From a young age however I made the personal decision that I wouldn’t date anyone just to pass the time. When my time to date arrived I’d be looking for a husband. Now when you make this decision before your 16th birthday you’re bound to stumble and end up falling for probably not the best person out there. That’s exactly what happened. I fell for a guy who visited my church often. Eventually he started attending my church for me. I was so happy to have someone pay attention to me that I blinded myself from all the warning signs until it was too late and I was close to ending myself (there were a lot of unaddressed, underlying issues). As with all the events in my life I learnt to return to God, he was there with me through it all and I knew he would be there with me at the end of it all. I found my solace and sanctuary in the Lord God and I felt whole. More complete than I’d ever been before.

When I left home for university I was focused. I knew what I was going for and I was taking my God and my heart with me.

The university environment made it impossible to ignore the coupled groups around me. I was genuinely content with being single and sticking to being coupled with Jesus. He’s the ultimate love and he fills me with joy.

Lately however I’ve been feeling more alone, more isolated from the seemingly coupled majority. I am a virgin and I’ve only kissed one boy in my life and I’m proud of that. Perhaps it’s an attack on my person because I’ve been feeling the pressure lately. I’ve started a Pinterest board where I pin ideas for my wedding. I know what style dress I want at my wedding, I’ve started looking at bridesmaid dresses, and wedding cupcakes. I’ve begun making references to how I will and will not raise my children. I’ve written letters to my future husband…and yet I’m still single.

I don’t hate my singleness and I have no intention to waste it. When my heart hurts I crack open good ol’ Philippians 4 and tell God what’s on my heart. I watch videos like Janette…ikz’s ‘I will Wait’ and Joseph Solomon’s ‘Worth the Wait’. I rejoice at friends who are getting married or are just in happy relationships. I pray for my future husband frequently. My heart was even genuinely glad when my beloved Justin Timberlake got married and now he’s going to be a father!

Yet I feel like I’m still slipping into the desires of my flesh. I’m looking at a dear friend of mine with eyes and a heart filled with expectation even though I know my feelings aren’t reciprocated. I suppose what troubles me most in this situation is the fact that I feel like I’m at risk of giving away my heart to someone who hasn’t asked for it but I’m that desperate that I’m prepared to make him take it. At the same time I’m disappointed in myself because I’m giving my heart to an outline of the man I want, not the whole package.

I vowed years ago that I wouldn’t give my heart to someone who wouldn’t lead me to heaven and didn’t love God/Jesus/HolySpirit more than me. Lord give me strength so I don’t waver in that!

I’m not sad and I don’t regret my decision to wait for the man God made for me. I am genuinely content living my life with my God. At the end of the day marriage is meant to reflect Jesus’ love for the church, so Jesus will be my foundation no matter what path God sets me on. He’s been kind enough to allow me to see heavenly couples who are best friends and support one another on their spiritual and earthly journey. I’m especially grateful for being able to grow up in a household led by a couple exactly like that; my parents.

I have faith in the plans he has for me, and for each one of you who’s ever felt the same as me. Maybe you’ve found your other and you’re happily married or planning to marry. Maybe you’ve gotten frustrated from having to wait and you’ve settled for less than you know God would want you to have. Maybe you’ve been hurt and you’ve turned to other ways of satisfying the desires of your heart. That’s okay, but remind yourself about the Almighty, looking down upon you without judgement. Is what you have right now the sum of the grace he’s gifted us with or are you tired of waiting on the edge of desire?

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for who you are. Thank you for letting us love you but more importantly thank you for your unconditional love for us. Lord, forgive us for the times we stumble and settle for less than you have planned for us. Forgive us for the times we take our lives out of your hands because we’re tired of waiting for what you have in store. Remind us of the grace and peace you have left for us, within us. 

For the couples Lord I pray that you may be the foundation upon which they base their love.

For the singles Lord I pray you may help us guard our hearts and only give them to the people you have destined us to.

And for those who you have called to a life of singleness; I pray that you may fill their hearts with Jesus.

For all Lord, quench our thirst, grant us your peace and patience, and may everything we do be for your glory.We are nothing without you Jesus. You are our everything.

Amen

Provocative Bible Verses: Wives Submit to Your Husbands

justlearning2fly:

Wives (present and future) fear not being submissive to your husbands.

Originally posted on Provocative Christian Living:

Wives submit to your husbands. It used to be those words were heard in nearly every Christian wedding. Today they are hardly ever spoken and in fact are intentionally avoided. Certainly part of the reason for the change has much to do with a renewed sense of equality that women are striving towards. But it also has a great deal to do with the fact that over the years these words have been used as a hammer to get women to do whatever a man says, no matter what. The fact is, these words are avoided today by men and women in large part because most people have no clue what Paul was really saying. So here is your chance to finally get a correct understanding of this very provocative piece of Scripture.

In order to understand what Paul meant we absolutely must get the context. That means ignoring the…

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A Recap, A Lesson, A Drag Queen.

My gosh…You know those moments when you’re in a situation which tests you so much you just don’t know whether God is teaching you or the evil one is trying to break you. That’s pretty much where I’ve just come from. But first let me recap.

I apologise for my time away. It basically parallels how my relationship with God has fluctuated. There were so many times when I was sitting at my laptop begging for inspiration which just wouldn’t come. I accepted that saying it’ll come when it comes.

In the time I’ve been away I’ve been very close to God and I’ve felt completely separated from him. I’ve learnt so much about him. I’ve had to describe why I believe in him and his ways, praying that I was speaking with Heaven’s accent. I’ve felt completely invincible as I was able to feel the swaddling cloth of his protection and the Holy Spirit glowing like the sun within me.

I’ve also felt alone and abandoned. I’ve felt like a hypocrite. I have felt like I rejected his kingdom. I felt like I knew everything and that I made myself invincible. I felt like I barely knew God and I felt as though I was embarrassed to shout Jesus’ name. I fell back into the hooks of the one sin which breaks me every time.

So I gave myself until Thursday 19 June 2014 to clean up my act and get back to where I need to me, and I must say I wish I’d done it sooner but I knew that would be the best day for me. I feel that contentment of when you’re in the Spirit and you know God is smiling at you. I had my Prodigal Son moment and now I’m back and he’s throwing a feast for me.

So that was me today, strong in Spirit, praising God, having that 24hr conversation I love to have with him when my good friend and housemate brought home her friend who says he’s bi-sexual but I sense much heterosexual masculinity in him, and her new friend, a heterosexual cross-dresser. Literally I prayed ‘Lord help me’.

I’ve never met a cross-dresser and he’s so much different from what I’d anticipated. I was apprehensive at the beginning but eventually I found myself sitting very comfortably close to him. He told me the story of his cross-dressing and I just had to remind myself of the 4 words I go by when I approach those with same-sex attractions; Respect, Compassion, Dignity, Love.

We proceeded to watch a comedian and my friend warned me before each instance of blasphemy (as comedians tend to be these days). Whenever I hear comedic blasphemy I withdraw into myself, protecting my God and my faith (as if God needs tiny me to protect him). This time I prayed. I repeated the ‘Our Father’ and ‘Glory Be’ in my head. Initially my first thought was ‘hey, you don’t need to tell them I’m Christian’. I know, I’m so embarrassed for myself. But this time I chastised myself and when she warned me again I kept quiet. I didn’t laugh, and I began to pray.

When it was just me and my new acquaintance sitting together I prayed again, because I thought it was too much of a coincidence for me to meet one of the types of people I’m most adamant to stay away from the day after I resolved to return to God. We sat there, just the two of us watching videos on YouTube and I thought to myself, ‘if someone had told me 2 years ago that I would be sitting alone, very close to a cross-dresser and feeling comfortable’ I would’ve vowed to never leave my parents’ house.

I asked the Father many things and I hope he shows me the answers. I also thought of my strong Christian friends from our little Bible study group. One would have begun on the ‘you must repent’ angle, one would have taken out her subtle Biblical books/companions and the other would have begun a well meaning discussion on…something…she’s unpredictable. The thing with me is I try to approach everyone with love which I feel is good but it may be my downfall one day. We must love unconditionally but we must also live and evangelise. Given the opportunity and the right starting point and I like talking about all the sides of God and the Bible and my beliefs, but in other situations, which unfortunately for me is most of them, I’m truly apprehensive. It’s something I pray to God about. If you have tips please make sure to share them.

So yes, here I am, different from when I left but still relatively the same. God, I believe, is still teaching me things and he has me on a path. I’m not sure where that path will take me or what his plan is but hey, isn’t that what makes it fun?

Dear Heavenly Father,

It’s good to be home. It’s so reassuring to know that you are always ready and waiting to welcome me back when I stray. Thank you for your love, and your light and especially for Jesus. Thank you for giving us a brilliant example of LOVE in human form. I pray that you shine your light upon the path I’m meant to follow and shut every door not meant for me. I put my life in your hands, for you alone are the Holy One, you alone are Lord, you alone are the Most High, and for that I am forever grateful.

In the Blessed name of Jesus Christ,

Amen.

PS I just noticed God is presenting me with a lot of people I never would’ve let myself encounter before. I guess before I would’ve regarded them with negatively and yes, even hatred, but hey, it’s probably still too early to be guessing! Praying for your spiritual journey my brothers and sisters <3

Why Science Does Not Disprove God

justlearning2fly:

Because God is the greatest scientist to ever exist

Originally posted on TIME:

A number of recent books and articles will have you believe that—somehow—science has now disproved the existence of God. We know so much about how the Universe works, their authors claim, that God is simply unnecessary: we can explain all the workings of the Universe without the need for a “creator.”

And indeed, science has brought us an immense amount of understanding. The sum total of human knowledge doubles roughly every couple of years or less. In physics and cosmology, for example, we can now claim to know what happened to our Universe as early as a tiny fraction of a second after the Big Bang, something that may seem astounding. In chemistry, we understand the most complicated reactions among atoms and molecules, and in biology we know how the living cell works and have mapped out our entire genome. But does this vast knowledge base disprove the existence of…

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Lessons from God: For Love and Sushi

Our God never ceases to teach us lessons and I’m grateful for each lesson he throws our way. I’ve been struggling with how to love people in spite of the things I know about them. So my gracious God stepped in.

One of my housemates is Brasilian and she invited me to join her and her friends for homemade sushi. I’m trying to be more social and outgoing so I agreed to go (I mean hey, free sushi!). I was particularly nervous because I would most likely be the embodiment of the language barrier. Unfortunately not that many people speak Shona in comparison to Portuguese. I agreed to go and before we left I prayed for the night to go well and I put it all in God’s hands. The first test was walking through the streets at night in the dark. I continually had to remind myself that I’m protected by the Holy Spirit and nothing can touch me. I think I passed that test…I hope.

When we arrived at her friends house they were all very warm and welcoming to me, even though I was the only one in the house who didn’t understand Portuguese. One of the guys, who’s English was more polished than some of the others, made it a point to speak to me and make me feel welcome, and even once the whole house was filled with foreign tongues I felt good.

As the night progressed I began to observe each member of the group and my mind slowly ticked into realising that all the males were gay.

I’m sorry, it wasn’t until I left my home after 18 years of no exposure, that I actually met and interacted with people who were openly gay. I still remember when I met a lesbian in one of my classes and I panicked. Internally my cells were tensing and all my hormones were going into flight or fight mode. With time I’ve calmed down but loving people who are different to me in this way has been a challenge I haven’t given up on; I’ve struggled and I’ve prayed about it. I still felt uncomfortable when I made that realisation though, but I tossed it aside and reminded myself “they’re just people”.

With time I forgot and became too engrossed in trying to crush everyone at Mortal Kombat and tasting various authentic Brasilian drinks prepared by Brasilians. I felt pretty privileged.

When it was time to leave, it was back to walking through the dark streets.

Just before we left the first guy who had welcomed me looked at me with such intensity and made me promise I’d protect his friend (my housemate). There was no reason for him to be worried for her and he said it in a joking way, but the way he said it and the way he looked at me made me feel that I really wanted to be his friend. I could genuinely come to love him.

Once we were on our way suspicious rustling made me jump and grab on to my housemate until I was sure it wasn’t a person or a dog or a zombie coming to attack us. Further on the glow of a flashlight in one of the on-campus daycare classrooms made me even more panicked. My housemate laughed, calling me a scaredy cat but I wanted to protect her more than myself. Don’t ask me why, that’s just how I am. Again I had to remind myself of the power of God’s Spirit walking with us.

After a severe internal struggle I decided to call the security services and report what I’d seen. One of my mottos in life is ‘Evil prevails when good men keep quiet’ and my heart just wouldn’t let me rest until I had reported what could have been a thief potentially darkening the lives of the children who play in the room almost everyday.

As I lay in bed, reflecting on the night I couldn’t help but smile. I’d been so nervous and God had just gone and protected me, given me a great night and helped me step one step closer in loving all my neighbours. The people I had felt uncomfortable around were the ones who made an effort to assimilate me into their group. My shaky faith had had to grip on to the only one who always protects me. Then I had the audacity to wake up on Sunday morning and tell God that I was waking up so early for him. That night proved how much God doesn’t need me but I run to him every time.

I genuinely think he shakes his head and chuckles at me most of the time.

I’m grateful for every lesson though, and each time he catches me when I stumble. I’m going to continue working on love and I’m going to make sure my mustard seed of faith moves mountains and makes them dance.

All Men Amen

So Lent has ended, Easter is practically here and once again I find myself a ball of emotion. You’ll probably wonder why.

Believe it or not every year I forget or denigrate the sacrifice made for us by Jesus during his Passion, until he was nailed to that cross. That cross which is the ultimate symbol of love for man. His flesh was torn away, his blood shed, all for people who didn’t even care at the time. Every year as the most sacred time for all Christians arrives, my heart breaks.

This Lent was very difficult for me this year, God knows why. To you I will say my sacrifice fluctuated in a depressing way now that I can reflect on it. Last night, Holy Thursday, I couldn’t help but feel so weak and so humbled by everything the Lord does and has done and will do. To think, in that Garden of Gethsemane (it all started in a garden and the end began in a garden) for the first and only time Jesus and God almost didn’t agree on something. From the beginning of time the Trinity were one and they made everything and they made everything good. This one time, fully aware of what was about to come, Jesus didn’t want to (“Father, if thou are willing, remove this cup from me” Luke 22:42) and yet he was willing to do it for us, because to him we are worth it (“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son…not to condemn the world but that the world might be saved through him” John 3:16-17).

I ate my Easter eggs yesterday because for the rest of the weekend I don’t want to think about a fluffy bunny, or hiding eggs or chocolate or hot cross buns. This weekend I want my eyes focused on the Lord. I want to think about that cross and weep and glorify him because I am not worthy, we are not worthy, and he loves us anyway.

Dear Father

Open the eyes of our hearts Lord. May we look at your cross and feel your love. May our souls bless you. May our souls forever thirst for you. All that is within us cries Holy are You God! Holy are you Lord of Hosts! Holy is the King of Kings! You are the beginning of all things. We are not worthy of your love and sacrifice through our own humanity, but through your glory and mercy which you allow us to experience. Forgive us for the times when we forget our value to you and your value to us. Wrap us in your arms and clothe us in your light. You are all we could ever need. We bless you and we glorify you because you are the only one who deserves our love and our glory. We strive to be the children you want us to be. For the times we stumble, please pick us up. For the times we are lost, take our hand and show us the way. Guard us from evil and may all temptation flee from us. You are all we could ever need Lord. You are our beginning and end, for ever and ever.

Everybody say

AMEN

The Ten

We’re no strangers to the Ten Commandments.They are the basis of the laws given to men by God, edited by men (and taken overboard by men) which Jesus came to rectify. He gave us an even better commandment which pretty much encompasses the original unedited Ten given to us by God.

The other day I was looking at the ten commandments and I feel I had a bit of a lightbulb moment. Each of these commandments is under attack in this modern world we live in, and we are slowly becoming lulled to their significance (think Samson and Delilah; the evil one is making us numb to wrong and tiring us out until we slowly brush the truth under the carpet and blame it on someone else). Below I’ve tried to list what I observed about the world and a select few of the commandments:

Okay. Idolatry. Not so much in the tradition statue sense with a pigeon god or something but I define idolatry as putting something before God. It can be sleep (cough  cough, not pointing any fingers), it can be a tv show, it can be your job, or your family or your significant other. Each of these may deserve a measure of attention but remember God comes first and he should be at the centre of everything you do, not Walter White or your Titleist clubs.

It’s become so common for someone to use our Lord God’s name in vain. Back home in my country the cable television network actually censors the disrespectful use of the words/names God, Jesus, Jesus Christ and simply Christ. When my aunt who lived in England moved back home she exclaimed how sensitive people were for them to censor every random us of God, etc. It worried me that normal television wouldn’t honour God’s name and even now when I hear someone use his name in vain I wince internally. It just doesn’t feel right.

I don’t even understand how the world has become so lax when it comes to death and killing. My country isn’t involved in any wars at the moment but a lot of the major countries are and so many people salute soldiers who go out to war. Now I have so much respect for anyone willing to lay down their life for someone else, or just protecting their fellow man. Allow me to use the example of Osama Bin Laden. I was not a fan and I never will be, but I was so shocked when the world blew up in rapturous applause at his death. Celebrations emanated throughout the nations and it made me think “ok so there’s one less bad guy in the world (yay!) but since when is it ok to celebrate killing?” Whether its that or it’s the death sentence, I can’t support killing.

You pop in a dvd and while you’re making popcorn or chatting with a friend, in the background you may not hear the reminder not to pirate media. I’m guilty. I have downloaded far too many songs because I didn’t have the money to pay for them. I know prominent church officials who will talk about a movie they downloaded or a CD they copied. We all know it’s wrong but once we start we forget that we’re actually stealing. We’re thieves. We’re as bad as the thieves on the crosses beside Jesus. We might even be like the unrepentant one if we don’t own up to what we do. But it’s so much easier to just copy something, or torrent it or…no, stop making excuses. I’m a thief and I’m embarrassed each time my mother asks me where I get all my music because I know the answer isn’t one she’d be pleased to hear.

These are a few of the ones I feel strongly about, and I’m happy if there’s anything I’ve said that’s made you think a bit. I’m not proud of myself or a lot of the things I do but I try to pray about it as often as possible. The world we live in is a comfortable place but if we become too numb to all the things going wrong, we’re putting ourselves in a dangerous situation.

Dear Father,

we thank you for this day. We thank you for your unconditional love for us. We pray for forgiveness Lord, for the times when we choose the temporary beauties of this world over the everlasting glories of your heavenly kingdom. For the times when we grow numb to our faults, may you remove the scales from our eyes and awaken our hearts, so that we remember your will Lord. As you have spoken we are in this world but we are not of this world. We ask you to please remind us of the strength we have through your Holy Spirit, for we choose you Lord, each and every day. You are our fulfillment and we give you praise. We love you.

In your blessed name we pray.

Amen

The Sacrifice!

One of my favourite seasons is coming up; Lent.

It is a time of sacrifice and solemnity and sharing in the fasting done by the Lord, Jesus Christ, in the desert for 40 days. I feel like at this time every year I am closer to God, if you know what I mean. I know he’s a part of me and he lives within me but there are times when I feel like he’s literally standing right behind me or walking beside me and constantly keeping me company and laying a hand on me and my heart.

From a young age I’ve been eager to learn more and grow in my faith and Lent is one thing that I’ve always enjoyed. Even the struggles were always a reason to smile when I knew I could exceed my own expectations of myself and make my Heavenly Father proud all at once. 

It hasn’t always been easy. I remember last year I gave up meat and I have to say that was one of the most difficult sacrifices I’ve had to make. It was such an intense challenge for me but I do feel that praying about it and remembering that Jesus did way more before me, for me, helped strengthen my resolve and even now I still love meat but I can go without it.

That’s one thing I really appreciate about Lent and any little sacrifice we make for the Lord. It helps to ground us and remind us of what’s really important. Is my love of meat my idol? The struggle says yes but combating that and succeeding tells me my love for God is way more and the strength he has given me demolishes anything that threatens my spiritual growth.

So this year Lent has crept up on me again and I have to say finding something to do is turning out to be a challenge with painful results.

I really enjoy my sleep so for this year I will be waking up every day at 0615 to pray the rosary and spend time with God. I will also be giving up secular music for only Christian Music where I am in control. I might even throw in singing a hymn every day along the way. Both of these are probably going to have me in tears by Day 3 but hey, He’s worth it.

I’m sharing this as I ask you all to pray for me, I will probably need all the prayer I can get in the beginning. My prayers are with all those partaking in Lent and all those who don’t observe Lent but make their own sacrifices for the Lord. Never forget the strength he has given you, with it you are invincible.

Dear Father

we thank you for this day and the gift of life. We thanking for sending Jesus to die for us. We thank you for the love you send us and have shown to us, love which we will never be able to comprehend but love which we cannot live without. Forgive us for the times when we forget our worth and waste the gifts you give to us. Help us to polish our armour for we are soldiers for you, ambassadors for your kingdom, we are priests speaking your truth and saints living for you. Show us how to begin and hold us by the hand as we go on. 

In your holy name we pray

Amen

Only You

(if possible, please listen to this as you read. Thank You)

“Have you come to a decision about your church situation?”

I was asked this question by a dear new friend of mine. As most of you will know I’ve been struggling with people criticising Christians and, narrowing that down, Catholics.

I went silent on my blog while I was back home with my family. It was fulfilling, enriching and reminded me of everything I love about the church I was born into. I have tried the others and I’ve enjoyed myself dearly. Everywhere I went I saw and met people who had dedicated their lives to Jesus. Some made me feel so at home, as though I were someone they’d all grown up with. Others never really made me feel like I’d ever fit in and when I bump into them now they act as though they’ve never met me. Maybe they feel like I abandoned them, or I’m a traitor or just another one who will be thrown in the fires of hell.

I’m back in a place where I’m being judged and occasionally I feel attacked. Even though I’m not brave enough to go door knocking or evangelising in the streets I’ve grown enough to even seriously mention Jesus in a group of people whose spiritual affiliation is completely unknown to me. I felt terrified that I’d be ridiculed to put my relation to Jesus out there and the great thing is nothing happened to me. I didn’t feel attacked and I relaxed a bit more on my heart and the tiny cross inside I grip to so tightly.

I know that as a Christian part of who I am is meant to be someone who goes out and calls people to God and I’d love to do that but, with Jesus as the roots to my tree, I need to grow and branch out a bit more. I don’t want to hide my faith under a blanket or only whisper my prayers in public. I want to be loud and proud about what I believe in. Now, this has nothing to do with my church back home. Everyone back home is so focused and ready to praise God at the slightest suggestion, and they do it in a way you can really feel.

The thing I love is how all the people I’ve encountered over the past year, with flitting through group after group, just adore God and everything about him.

So the next time my friend asks me that question I’m going to give her this answer;

My time at home reminded me of everything I love about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, as well as my family, friends and myself, and yes, especially everything I love about the Catholic church, and all the Christians in it and those in other churches too. It will be a sad day when I put what church someone belongs to before Jesus and my relationship with him. He will always come first and I’ll leave judgements like that to Him. When I was growing up, up until I left for university and even when I go home, my friends and I were able to praise and worship and pray together. We are Catholic and Methodist and Pentecostal and Anglican and who knows what else. We all love God and we love Jesus and we put him first. As long as that’s the foundation to their faith, then we’re all in this together.

Dear Father,

Thank you for loving us. Thank you for love and your light and for family and friends. Please be our guide in all our struggles and may we remember to put you ahead of everything because only you can save us. Only you can heal us. Only you can fix us. You and only you.

Amen