Singleness: the ongoing struggle

I’ve been wanting to write a post about singleness and contentment for a while and it’s funny that I’m writing it now when I’m really frustrated by my singleness and contentment is out galavanting somewhere else.

One of my closest friends has disconnected with our network of young women because she’s had enough of hearing about dating and being a ‘Ruth’, that it actually drove her into depression. If she’s pursuing all these things then how come the Hagars of the world are getting all the guys?

I’ve been in a similar place when I see women who choose differently with regard to chastity or modesty and they’re the ones metaphorically ‘bringing all the boys to the yard‘. It can really get a girl down. Plus I’ve had my hopes dashed more times than I dare to count by unrequited affections. In that respect God’s shown me that I still have a lot to improve upon. There are things He needs me to work on while I still have that freedom.

What concerns me though is how in our women’s network there’s constant talk about getting married and finding a husband. There’s plenty of independence in there as well. A lot of encouragement for building yourself up and taking the bull by the horns so you don’t have to start doing that post marriage.

One thing I appreciated about my growth in church was that we knew and were reminded that marriage is a sacred covenant between one man and one woman (Gen 2:24; Matt 19:4-5), but we were also taught that not everyone’s going to get married and that’s okay. Amongst Catholics there’s an understanding that people will either be priests, religious (nuns, brothers, friars, etc), married or single. Three of these vocations will mean a life of celibacy and serving God (1 Corinth 7:7-8) the latter of which is possible in married life but this is why it’s a vocation, it’s a way you’ve been called to by God.

It’s now that I’ve come to network with more Pentecostal, Evangelical, non denominational etc Christians that I’ve been perplexed by the emphasis on people finding a spouse. There’s plenty of spiritual teaching but dang if someone doesn’t mention a spouse at least once during a session there’s something up. It makes me wonder why this is the case. I know other denominations don’t have priests or people serving from a religious order, but why is it so alien to have someone led to a life of singleness?

Not everyone in the Bible got married. A lot of them just dedicated themselves to God until they went to heaven. This is the whole thing about priests and the religious. The 12 Apostles didn’t get married (or if they did it wasn’t recorded in Scripture), they just lived and died for the faith. I’d love that level of being enamoured with the Father so much that it stilled that occasional ache for my other half (wherever he is).

I’m not saying the Catholic way is the way everyone should go, that’s between each person and Jesus, but I do think the other denominations could learn something. We’re all pursuing that same satisfaction in the Lord (Psalm 42), chasing holiness and if we can help each other along the way that would be great. We’d be showing each other a lot of grace.

19/10/16 I’ve since made a Spotify playlist for the days when singleness doesn’t feel like a blessing. If you’re interested here’s the link Content & Beloved

 

I am Satisfied in….?

I am rarely ever completely satisfied with what I have. There’s always someone I can look at and think “Why can’t I do my hair as well as she does? Why can’t my skin be as smooth as hers? Wow look at those legs. If I had those legs I’d be a whole other woman”. It even creeps unapologetically into spiritual life; “Why can’t I pray like that? God, why don’t you ever give me those kinds of blessings? Well, I guess God just didn’t want me to have a solo career as a Christian soul singer/rapper/poet.”

It’s funny because it looks right into one of the basic features of being human; we are rarely ever completely happy with what we have when we are aware of the blessings of others. Now I have to point out, there is a difference between admiring the work of God in someone’s life (for example how he used a friend in teaching an atheist about the truth of the Gospel which leads to them being baptised) and potentially secretly envying them (for example wishing he had used you to take down the whole group of atheists and turn them into a Gospel street-preaching-choir). I mean really, everyone wants to be that person who leads a billion people to God…or maybe that’s just me.

I really enjoy the preaching of Judah Smith. His style speaks to me because even though I’m Catholic and I like that cool, calm and structured way of worshipping, when I go and speak to anyone about anything pertaining to the Bible or Gospel or God, all the characters turn into gangstas. I don’t know, I think in my mind when I describe them in this way I understand what I’m saying a lot better. I’m not quite polished at using that fancy rhetoric, and especially when I’m speaking to someone who has minimal knowledge about anything involving my faith I find it connects better. I’m not trying to make the Bible sound hip and I’m not drowning it in glitter because have you met Jesus? He’s already the coolest guy I know and the Bible’s an awesome read. That’s where I feel Judah and I are similar. We are both wannabe gangstas, he’s just more popular than I am. Anyway, I’ve been reading his latest book ‘Life Is____’ and it’s great. At one point he wonders how happy we would be if we had no information about our friends and neighbours, and I think that has some truth to it.

The other night I went for Bible study and I was feeling good, ready to share my testimony and tell everyone how God had blessed me that week. I was practically buzzing and my heart was singing silent psalms of praise to the Father. As we went around the circle the tone of my heart was pretty solid until we arrived at one person. She told us about how she had been in communion with Jesus during the weekend. She described how she had locked herself in her room and actually forgotten about the outside world because she was just enjoying being with Jesus, talking to him, singing, revelling in his presence. And little me sat up in my seat wondering why God never called me to do that. I wanted that too. It’s happened before with so many other situations where someone wins a prize or brings out the big guns during fellowship bringing everyone in awe of God, and sometimes I think to myself and wonder why my blessings are always so much smaller than everyone else’s. Ironically before I even knew about their blessings I was feeling pretty good about mine. I was feeling invincible. I felt adored by God. Jesus was my anchor and the Spirit was my sail.

My friends and I often acknowledge how humans are rarely ever happy with what they have. We always want someone else’s hair or eyes or complexion or height when God’s already given us a pretty sweet deal if only we looked into ourselves a little more rather than at others.

God is just and after Jesus he really doesn’t have favourites. He is a just and fair God even when we don’t always see or acknowledge it. Besides, no two relationships are identical. The way I relate to God is different from every other people and it mainly consists of an occasional tug-of-war, one-sided arguments, sulking, and lots of smiles and laughter. My day of communing with God may look different to yours because we are different children at different stages of our spiritual development.

Keeping this in mind I’m going to try a bit harder to be thankful in all and every situation he throws my way. When it’s my turn to win a ruler and a friend’s turn to win a bicycle I’ll be happy with my ruler and happy for my friend and their bicycle. It’s just another thing Jesus has to help me sort out; to first be satisfied with him and then be satisfied with everything he gives me. After all he knows best.

The SuperChristian

Are you superChristian? Image source: https://peacefulchristian.wordpress.com/
Are you superChristian? Image source: https://peacefulchristian.wordpress.com/

One of my good friends is Muslim (I only state this so early on because it’s something important to the point of this post). We connect on a number of levels; we’re both from Southern Africa, we work together on our uni’s YouTube channel, we live at the same college, we’re both obsessed with anime…we click. For the summer holiday I went home while he stayed at uni.

When I got back we were both happy to see each other. We were chatting when he suddenly exclaimed with the Lord’s name and that upset me. Immediately I told him not to disrespect my man JC and he asked me what was up with me, had a gone to Christian Camp during the holiday? This wasn’t relevant but I asked him to respect me and so he said he would. Later that week we were in a meeting for our uni’s media team (the one which runs the YouTube channel) and somehow the conversation shifted to the point where someone said something about Jesus. My friend laughed, added to the joke and looked at me. I wasn’t pleased but I wasn’t prepared to make a spectacle of myself. My friend, bless his heart, isn’t always able to read social cues and out-loud stated that they were making ‘JC jokes’. I think the others in the room could tell I wasn’t pleased so we resumed the meeting. I thought because he is ‘a man of his own faith’ he would be compassionate but he persists so I just remind myself of Galatians 6:7 (Do not be deceived: God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap), not in a malicious way but in a God doesn’t need me to fight his battles for him.

Weeks passed and this friend fancied a girl. He told her how she felt and when he explained it to me he described her as ‘super Christian’ who wouldn’t date anyone who wasn’t Christian. In my mind I totally relate with her; if anyone wants to go out with me God himself must ordain it first and if we’re not on the same page with that then I can’t commit myself. What got me though is how, when someone actively speaks their faith, I assume he calls them super Christian or asks if they’ve been to Christian Camp (I wish! Who doesn’t love Christian camp?).

It makes me wonder about the experiences he’s had with other Christians. Did they not actively speak their faith, or call him out when he disrespected it? How must they behave that it’s odd for him to hear a Christian stand by their beliefs and how many other people must feel the same way?

Lately I’ve been thinking about a quote from St Francis of Assisi, “Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.” I use this as a bit of a mantra in my day to day interaction with both Christians and non-Christians but my friend’s words have made me wonder if I’m not putting that across. I think I’m still a bit of a spiritual adolescent eating mashed potatoes and mushy peas (ref Hebrews 5:12-14) and I pray for God to show me what kind of ministry he wants me to do. I was offended by the idea that I had to have gone to a camp to want to actively implement my faith but at the same time I think it may have been the wake-up call I needed.

Prepare your slippers ladies and gents! Image source: http://oz.wikia.com/wiki/Ruby_Slippers
Prepare your slippers ladies and gents! Image source: http://oz.wikia.com/wiki/Ruby_Slippers

I’m not a super Christian. I’m just a child of God, heir to the kingdom, ambassador for Christ, Proverbs 31 woman in the making. I’m only just learning the importance of remembering bible verses and being able to spit them out in conversation. I’m imperfect but Jesus has made me so much more than I knew I could ever be and he’s still working on me. I’m just a bride of Christ, doing what I can to emulate my hero (Jesus duh!) and if an outsider can’t see that or thinks there’s something weird about me wanting to be that then I need to pull up my socks and brush the dust of this world off my sparkly red slippers.

I’m going to a city lined with gold, transparent like glass (ref Revelation 21: 10-21) and I need to make sure people know Jesus has given me that and hopefully (God willing) my friend will be thirsting for a free ticket to ‘Christian Camp’.

Edge of Desire/I Will Wait

What better to bring me back but a matter of the heart!

I’ve never been that kind of girl who’s been planning her wedding since she was a child. I didn’t dream about my Prince Charming, coming in and sweeping me off my feet. I did crave the relationships born out of pure friendships. I did crave the presence of a boy who would give me his football (aka soccer) jersey to wear with pride. I craved having someone to tell all my problems to who wasn’t my mother or my brothers or my father or my dogs.

From a young age however I made the personal decision that I wouldn’t date anyone just to pass the time. When my time to date arrived I’d be looking for a husband. Now when you make this decision before your 16th birthday you’re bound to stumble and end up falling for probably not the best person out there. That’s exactly what happened. I fell for a guy who visited my church often. Eventually he started attending my church for me. I was so happy to have someone pay attention to me that I blinded myself from all the warning signs until it was too late and I was close to ending myself (there were a lot of unaddressed, underlying issues). As with all the events in my life I learnt to return to God, he was there with me through it all and I knew he would be there with me at the end of it all. I found my solace and sanctuary in the Lord God and I felt whole. More complete than I’d ever been before.

When I left home for university I was focused. I knew what I was going for and I was taking my God and my heart with me.

The university environment made it impossible to ignore the coupled groups around me. I was genuinely content with being single and sticking to being coupled with Jesus. He’s the ultimate love and he fills me with joy.

Lately however I’ve been feeling more alone, more isolated from the seemingly coupled majority. I am a virgin and I’ve only kissed one boy in my life and I’m proud of that. Perhaps it’s an attack on my person because I’ve been feeling the pressure lately. I’ve started a Pinterest board where I pin ideas for my wedding. I know what style dress I want at my wedding, I’ve started looking at bridesmaid dresses, and wedding cupcakes. I’ve begun making references to how I will and will not raise my children. I’ve written letters to my future husband…and yet I’m still single.

I don’t hate my singleness and I have no intention to waste it. When my heart hurts I crack open good ol’ Philippians 4 and tell God what’s on my heart. I watch videos like Janette…ikz’s ‘I will Wait’ and Joseph Solomon’s ‘Worth the Wait’. I rejoice at friends who are getting married or are just in happy relationships. I pray for my future husband frequently. My heart was even genuinely glad when my beloved Justin Timberlake got married and now he’s going to be a father!

Yet I feel like I’m still slipping into the desires of my flesh. I’m looking at a dear friend of mine with eyes and a heart filled with expectation even though I know my feelings aren’t reciprocated. I suppose what troubles me most in this situation is the fact that I feel like I’m at risk of giving away my heart to someone who hasn’t asked for it but I’m that desperate that I’m prepared to make him take it. At the same time I’m disappointed in myself because I’m giving my heart to an outline of the man I want, not the whole package.

I vowed years ago that I wouldn’t give my heart to someone who wouldn’t lead me to heaven and didn’t love God/Jesus/HolySpirit more than me. Lord give me strength so I don’t waver in that!

I’m not sad and I don’t regret my decision to wait for the man God made for me. I am genuinely content living my life with my God. At the end of the day marriage is meant to reflect Jesus’ love for the church, so Jesus will be my foundation no matter what path God sets me on. He’s been kind enough to allow me to see heavenly couples who are best friends and support one another on their spiritual and earthly journey. I’m especially grateful for being able to grow up in a household led by a couple exactly like that; my parents.

I have faith in the plans he has for me, and for each one of you who’s ever felt the same as me. Maybe you’ve found your other and you’re happily married or planning to marry. Maybe you’ve gotten frustrated from having to wait and you’ve settled for less than you know God would want you to have. Maybe you’ve been hurt and you’ve turned to other ways of satisfying the desires of your heart. That’s okay, but remind yourself about the Almighty, looking down upon you without judgement. Is what you have right now the sum of the grace he’s gifted us with or are you tired of waiting on the edge of desire?

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for who you are. Thank you for letting us love you but more importantly thank you for your unconditional love for us. Lord, forgive us for the times we stumble and settle for less than you have planned for us. Forgive us for the times we take our lives out of your hands because we’re tired of waiting for what you have in store. Remind us of the grace and peace you have left for us, within us. 

For the couples Lord I pray that you may be the foundation upon which they base their love.

For the singles Lord I pray you may help us guard our hearts and only give them to the people you have destined us to.

And for those who you have called to a life of singleness; I pray that you may fill their hearts with Jesus.

For all Lord, quench our thirst, grant us your peace and patience, and may everything we do be for your glory.We are nothing without you Jesus. You are our everything.

Amen

Are we losing the plot?

Firstly I’d like to apologise for the delay in my follow up post. I will do what I can to update my blog consistently at least once a week.

This past week I attended my university church’s camp which focused on God’s rage and his passion in the Bible. My eyes were opened to matters I’d never even considered and how significant Jesus’ death on the cross really was. It shook me to the core and I can feel that I’ve been changed deep within me. The teachings were practical and heartbreaking at the same time and they appealed to all ages and all denominations or so I thought.

On the second to last evening the talk took a turn for the worse in two ways for me. It seems that wherever I go where I just want to blend in as a fellow believer in Christ there will always arise some form of comparison. For about twenty minutes to a good half hour I had to endure why Catholics aren’t regarded as Christians. The speaker admitted that ‘the church and Catholics’ agree on a lot of things for the most part but different standings on the matters of blood and forgiveness of sins and a few others. It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. From being one of the group who the other hundred or so people was eager to learn about I felt like all backs had been turned from me, they were all saying I was wrong, I had become less Christian than the ducks in the lake. In that moment not only did I turn up my internal defence system but I also risked turning away from the God I had come to adore days before.

What hurt me most was how these people were being taught that some Christians aren’t Christians and having a list of their faults fed to their hearts. Sometimes I genuinely wonder if Christians know that they are Christians because the Bible said that others would be able to identify us by our love. Where is the love when you’re educating others and leading them to believe that someone can’t be like you because they believe differently? We read the Bible. We attend church. We praise God. We believe in the Trinity and that this world and this life is merely an introduction to a greater eternal life where God may finally receive the praise he most rightly deserves.

I understood some matters I suppose. The issue of ‘good works’ is always a hot topic amongst people who may not fully understand Catholic ways. Obviously it isn’t like the ancient Egyptians where we have to lead a super good life and at the end of it the god Ra places our heart on one side of the scale and a feather on the other to see whether you’re worthy to move on to the afterlife. What would the point of Jesus’ dead on the cross have been then? During the seminar sessions we looked at various Bible passages and James 2:22 & 26 caused quite a stir which I just didn’t understand. It says “You see that faith was active together with his works, and by works, faith was perfected…For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead”. People just couldn’t understand why this was written there and what it meant and that made me a little sad. Do some people believe that Catholics just pull ideas out of their bums and cross their fingers that it makes sense? To me, and with my background, these verses meant that faith is highly important but it’s necessary to act with that faith. This is where you would bring in a couple of my favourite verses; “Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you”, “Love one another as I have loved you” and “Love your neighbour as you love yourself”. There’s a great focus on expressions of faith and love, that may be in serving the church or community or donating clothes or leading a life like Jesus (he taught, healed, cared, explained, etc). What’s wrong with having good morals and acting on your faith? Obvioulsy it would need to be sincere otherwise you’re no better than the ancient Egyptians. Do good without expecting good to be returned to you. Jesus did so much good and yet he was beaten and tormented and even today hundreds of people reject his existence. He did good because he loved us that much so what’s wrong with wanting to live like him?

There’s also the matter with confession. It breaks my heart when I hear what people think confession is about. The priest can’t forgive sins. He can’t cleanse you of your sins.Everyone knows that God and God alone can forgive sins. The priest serves the purpose of giving advice and praying for you with you to God. Yes, Jesus died to cleanse us so that all sins are forgiven but that doesn’t mean you can ignore your sins or sweep them under the carpet and hope no one knows. It’s important to come to God and own up to what you did. The same speaker from the camp urged us to find someone we trust and admit to sins we’re struggling to combat so that we can pray together.That’s exactly what confession is about; a fellow child of God praying with you to God that he may forgive our sinful nature and give us the strength to not stumble again.

Back to the matter at hand, why is it that time is spent telling people that some people are Christians while others aren’t? It makes me wonder when people say that the number of Christians is decreasing or stagnant in some places and they don’t know why. Would you join a soccer team where the members say that the goalkeeper isn’t a soccer player becuase he can hold the ball and doesn’t run as much? Would you join an orchestra where the members say the flutes aren’t instruments because you blow into them to make music? No one will run to join a group which is divided against itself. At the same time why is it a debate against Catholics/Protestants and yet every other denomination within Christianity is left untouched? There are the Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons who are questioned at times but aside from these four are all the other denominations in impeccable condition? Why then leave them untouched? Why be subjective in your judgement?

I am doing my best not to judge here because judgement is for God alone but what I’m trying to say is we should celebrate and be united through our similarities instead of educating others to look down on others because of our differences. Instead of wasting time trying to pick who fits in and who doesn’t we should be using that time to pray or thank God or praise Jesus or spend time with the Holy Spirit. There are so many better things we could be educating others on instead of creating rifts between ourselves. Let’s be brothers and sisters in Christ and glorify the Lord instead of looking at each other with contempt and animosity.

May God Bless everyone, those who believe in him and those who do and bring uniting peace over all those who live for Jesus regardless of their differences.